Dummies guide to random teams in blitz (SPOILER ALERT) V2 !
Jul 12, 2015 10:32:50 GMT
Quallo, Danica_The_Gold_Noob, and 7 more like this
Post by Vulkyn on Jul 12, 2015 10:32:50 GMT
Han Poo's wise dummies guide to teams in Blitz
It has been brought to my attention that the so called "team members" are a unique and intriguing creatures, the ever changing variety we encounter in our daily battles has left us with a wide range of questions, what are they? where do they come from? do they use their toes to play or fingers? All but examples of why we have studied those different fascinating creatures and we now present you with the findings.Team mates come in a variety of shapes, forms, species and creatures. Every team member you encounter is unique and among this age we have no way of guessing where, what and who they are. Instead we used a method to monitor and gather them under behaviour patterns.
Below i have outlined the various behavioural patterns that will distinguish one from another.
The Loner
Is the guy who chooses to go ALONE in the other direction leaving your whole team, ignoring the repeated "negative" and "dont go alone" requests.Regardless of his decision (usually chosen because he cant be arsed to turn his tank) he usually ends up facing 7 tanks and will get WTF BBQED as he repeatedly hits SOS thinking tanks can fecking teleport to his location to save his behind.
After dying he constantly curses how the whole team are noobs and idiots because they didn't support him.
The Loner can also be some one who is not familiar with English so the use of middle finger to point directions is highly recommended ... (what his pointing !!!)
The Kamikaze
Is the guy in a tank (cough cough) running right through the enemy thinking he is the incredible hulk and will single-handedly take out 7 tanks 2 tiers above him using HE rounds while singing Kumbaia. Those players tend to be a little hot headed with a superiority complex. They have no grasp of team work, coordination, little understanding of game mechanics, require extensive therapy and sessions in order to explain that they need to work in a team and they cant do everything alone (except dying!)
However not to confuse those with "Pulling a vulkyn" which is a very complex calculated tactic utilising the terrain, tank, skills and extensive serious of manoeuvres to place the enemy at a disadvantages (Vulk thats Bull Sh** !!!) - Cough ....
The chicken sh**
Is the player who starts great ! gives you the wonderful warm sensation in your body that you have backup and friends ready to take on the world for you or die trying! You will fight as a team! The world will be a better place and everything will be roses and rainbows as we strategically coordinate our attacks and take down the enemy team one by one.However as soon as you engage the enemy, the chicken sh** will leave and run using you as a shield for his escape.
Words can not begin to summarise the amount of physical pain one would want to inflict on those players, a common practice now days is to have stressballs placed under your buttocks to relinquish the extreme muscle pain that occur from abnormal butt contractions that occur in such events.
The @$$
Ah yes the @$$ is the player that will constantly block your retreat, come in front of you and bounce your shot of him or continues to push you in the wrong direction or plain irritates the heck out of you.The @$$ usually has a sadistic complex that has a diverse effect on other players, the @$$ is know to cause diarrhoea, loss of conscious control on your language, erratic spasming of the sphincter muscle and testicular pain.
The bums
Are the extremely laid back players who think they are playing solitaire. They believe that there is no problem when enemy team are about to capture flag and they will press defend flag button while they are 5 meters away from flag as they are busy trying to climb a steep hill instead of turning around it.Of course they will never respond to SOS nor do anything except watch the scenario and look at their tanks with awe and wonder while smocking weed and listening to all we need is love as their team mates drop like flies.
The kill stealers
Those are the leachers, they will wait for you to fight ... do the damage and right before the killing blow they jump into action screaming attack commands valiantly shooting the 1 HP enemy that you lost half your body mass in sweat as you did just about every manoeuvre with your feet, legs, arm, hair, fingers and teeth to kill the enemy. You silently watch as your body realses blood up to your brain forcing your vision to blur as see your kill slips away from you as the full health kill stealer trumps around like a peackock happy with his great accomplishment using his superior fire power and intellect.
The whinners
The type that will CONSTANTLY WHINE ABOUT EVERYTHING starting from match making, enemies, team, tactics, skills, tanks, the weather, their dogs, their dogs poop, their dogs poop size, their dogs poop color, the neighber's dog poop size and color etc.....They also are notorious known to smack you when you singlehandedly decimated the enemy team with 7 kills, 7000 damage and a gold oscar award ....
The BLOOOOODY CAMPERS!!!!
Yes one of the most HATED type of players who get into mediums or heavy tanks move to a sniping positing and fecking SNIPE leaving their comrades in medium tanks going face to face with heavies. As your team crumbles and HEAT rounds violate you in an almost sexual manner you begin to wonder what kind of medication you will need to induce in your blood stream to stop you from throwing your ipad at your T.V The AFK
(Thanks dani unfortunately i need to make a new poll and at the moment i am feeling like the bum )The game starts and you charge screaming TO BATTLE !!! Team is pumped up and heading towards enemy all of sudden you realise there are 3 out of 7 tanks ..... you look at the mini map start swearing at the campers only to realise your trusted team mates are AFK. They decided the best time to take a dump is when the battles starts .......
You tend to start chanting vodoo curses as enemy tanks proceed to play "pin the pinnate" on your tank with large caliber rifles.
The noob wanker
The general term used for all other unsporting behaviour .... I myself have no idea what wanking and being a noob is (unless you fail at wanking which to be honest would be quite an accomplishment ..... i mean being a noob in a game is fine but a wanking noob???) The noob wanker has but one goal do everything the exact opposite as intended. Light tank will be played like heavy, medium like TD's and TD's like lights. His mission in life is to have the lowest win rate and least amount of friend possible.The hill climbers
Are usually people who have a desire to feel special and therefore opt to climb a hill while singing "I feel pretty, oh so pretty" so that when ever they are spotted the whole map can see them. What transpires is a brief moment of glory, rainbows, dancing unicorns and fluffy gummy bears followed by a barrage of shots enough to take down the wall of China. Hill climbers are greatly biased by spider-man and some of them are just quite content to reach places that tanks should not be in forfeiting the whole game in the process.The know it all arm chair general
Are a special breed of players who have had many years of experiencing in various skills that have nothing to do with blitz. Their superiority complex is shown by the constant bombardment of commands, instructions, advice and information on how to do things.Of course them having 35% win ratio and 500 battels should not be a deterrent to their advice, nor the fact they have just recently managed to move the tank back and forward NO! follow their advice and it will be the same like playing with a loaded gun before pulling the trigger while aiming at your testicles !
The flag lover (capper)
Is a player who is hit by urges and is attracted to poles, he sees a pole (with a flag) and feels the need to perform a love making dance with the pole ... he runs to flag and forgets his team, his game and some time his cloths. What transpires is a naked dance with a pole (wait why does this sound familiar???)Cappers however should not be mistaken with strategic use of a cap circle, one is a conscious informed decision by the team the other is a one person desire to have sex with a pole.
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